Pun Wars
by VampireRide
Summary: Grab some popcorn and a remote controller because five sentences in you'll probably want to change the channel. This is the one, the only, PUN WARS!


**I don't own MR**

**Welcome everyone to a birthday extravaganza present presented by yours truly to the one, the only, M!**

**Happy birthday dear friend. Upon the knowledge that you also love lame puns I decided to come up with this little piece of gold just for you, starring your favorite couple! So, with a little song, and a little further adu, I grant you your pun-field (see what I did there?) birthday gift!**

**(To the tune of: Happy Happy Birthday)**

**HAPPY KINDA LATE BIRTHDAY**

**I HOPE YOU LIKE YOUR GIFT**

**IM SORRY THAT ITS KINDA LATE**

**BLAME SCHOOL AND TUMBLR JIFS. **

**(yes I know that's not how you spell 'gifs')**

**Pun Wars**

**Iggy's POV**

"I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest,"

That was how it all started.

It's funny how eleven words can spiral into your fate, sewing themselves into the destiny you didn't know you even had.

"That sucks, my friends' bakery burned down last night, so now that place is toast," Lupo replied. Fifteen words. Fifteen bullet wounds. Fifteen needles slicing through my skin. Fifteen seconds to think before I responded.

"I knew this guy who got his left arm cut off. He's all right now," I said, challenging her to go on, and watched closely as Lupo stood up from the couch she was sitting on, previously caught up in some television show. She walked with long, slow strides that were cautious yet firm, as if she was debating with herself about what she was about to do.

She stopped at the foot of the stairs that led to three of the four bedrooms in this house, and one of the two bathrooms. "You know, I don't trust these stairs, they're always... up to something." Her head swiveled towards me as I bit down on the inside of my cheek, waiting for my move.

I gulped, trying to think, to come up with a counter attack. She couldn't have won so soon. I quickly checked my arsenal of vicios punnery and frantically realized whatever I wanted to use had already been shot out into the battle before. We had been going back and forth so many times in the past week I had run out- almost run out.

It was a desperate time, which meant I had to call for desperate measures.

Feeling the pang of absolute hatred towards Lupo I always did when she brought out the emergency ammo, I unhooked my watch from my wrist, staring relentlessly into her golden brown eyes as I bit down on the ticker that had been slapped on my arm since our anniversary last month.

Raising an eyebrow, she played right into my hands, and I almost snickered when she asked the oh-so expected question. "What are you doing?"

"Eating a clock. It's pretty time consuming," At my words Lupo's mouth froze into a thin line. Ever so slowly she slithered over to me, like a snake about to devour its prey. I could see the heat of frustration in her eyes. We both knew it was a lame move, but all the same it was a move. Now it was her turn, and I watched with a watch between my teeth anxiously, waiting for her to show me up. Tick Tock. SIlence. Tick Tock. Silence. Tick-

"Did I ever tell you about one of my worst fears?" She finally asked, and I literally felt a wave of exhaustion wash over me as I tried to piece the pun together before she could say it, however it was no use. I had no idea what she was aiming for, and therefore I couldn't block her from the target.

"Which one?" I finally asked, playing into the pun just as she had for me.

"I used to be _terrified _of hurdles, but then I got over it." She spun around to walk away from me, her dirty blonde ponytail slapping me in the face as she began walking around the living room once more, maybe trying to find the inspiration I desired.

"You know, I used to have this cross-eyed teacher. He couldn't control his pupils." I responded, thinking fast. I needed to step it up. So far Lupo and I were tied in the amount of battles we had won, and it was the end of the month.. Every first day it reset, and I needed to win so I could add this month to my tally and stay undefeated.

"Did you hear in the news about that cannibal that was late to lunch? They ended up giving him the cold shoulder." A snicker threatened to fall out of my mouth at that one, but I swallowed it back. I couldn't laugh first. I couldn't lose this battle- no, this war.

"There's this new type of broom that came out the other day, it's sweeping the nation." I informed, hoping to get the smallest of giggles out of Lupo with that one. No such luck. She only sent me a smirk. I hadn't gotten her with that one. At the moment I wished I was up against Max. She always broke after the third or fourth pun. She would have never lasted this long. I could respect that about Lupo; how she managed to hold her adorably obnoxious laugh in even though I could tell by the single drop of sweat that rolled down the side of her face that she was barely keeping it contained. I only needed one good pun to push her over the edge. Now if only I could think of one.

"You know that strawberry soap?" I nodded once, already having an idea where this one was going and already thinking of something to counter with. "I used to be addicted to it, but I'm clean now." Almost. Almost Lupo Greyback. But you will not win. I will not let it happen.

"You know my ex-girlfriend Ella?" Just the mention of her name sent Lupo's eyes in a flickering flame, and I knew this would more so anger her than make her laugh, but it had the potential to trip her up and make her mind go blank with rage so I went with it. "She owned a taser. Damn, was she stunning."

She breathed in, then out. One deep breath to calm her down. And then, "I saw this beaver documentary last night, and it was the most boring damn movie I'd ever seen."

"That was inconsistent, Lupo," I called mockingly.

"Movies and documentaries can be the same thing," she snapped.

"I think we should look this up."

"I think you're stalling."

"Oh yeah? Well I did have this joke about amnesia, but I forgot about it." It was like firing a machine gun at a single-shot rifle. The way Lupo stuttered for a pun was so amusing to watch I almost chuckled, but then I remembered the rules, and I waited. She had ten seconds. Nine… Eight… Seve-

"You know my brother's wedding?" She exclaimed a bit louder than needed, obviously realizing she was short on time. "It was so emotional even the cake was in tiers!" Her over dramatic flare once again almost sent me over the edge. But I was a man and I was strong. Stronger than most. I could suck down the laughter and bury it somewhere under the sandwich I had eaten a bit ago if it would keep me from losing. Besides, if I lost this month I'd also lose my bet with Fang, and I couldn't have that.

"Earlier I went to the store and I really wanted a camouflage shirt, but I couldn't find one," I spoke casually, collapsing onto the black leather recliner I had bought with Lupo's money after winning last month's Pun Wars. It had been a brilliant win. A one-two punch K.O that I had been so proud of I had invited all my friends over to recall the events a solid seven times before anyone showed their annoyance of my hubris.

"Do you know what the definition of a will is? It's a dead giveaway," Lupo notified as she flopped down on the couch, stretching her slender body along its full length.

"Do you know my grandma has a dental implant? I sure didn't until it came out in a conversation." Now it was Lupo's turn to bite her lip and struggled with the desire to let loose and laugh until she cried. She resisted. Barely.

"Max told me she broke her finger today, but on the other hand she's completely fine." Lupo finally breathed out with a sigh of relief, obviously elated by the fact that my brilliantly horrible puns hadn't sent her into a fit of giggles.

I snorted, then waited for Lupo to accuse it of being a laugh. She rose an eyebrow, crossing her arms over her chest as she sat up as if she wanted to challenge me, but kept herself quiet. Technically, I didn't laugh.

"I was going to wear skinny jeans tonight on our date, but I just couldn't pull it off." I told her forlornly, and watched as a smile crept onto her face. Yes. That was it. That pun had sent her over the edge. Any second now…

With a start, Lupo jumped off the sofa and took off, and afraid she was running off to go laugh her pain away and pretend she hadn't, I followed her. We raced around the living room, through the kitchen, and then back all the way to the stairs. She took the previously untrustworthy steps two at a time as I followed after her. She was the gazelle, I was the cheetah; only I wouldn't be slowing down after a few seconds.

What felt like an eternity later I tackled Lupo onto my bed after we had sprinted around the whole house, expecting her to burst out in a heap of laughter. What she did next was so shocking I realized that I wasn't prepared for it. So unprepared that it would end up being my downfall.

"I relish the fact that you mustard enough speed to ketchup to me."

That was it. It was all over, I realized, as the first chuckle tumbled off of my tongue. And then it spiraled into a mess of noisy laughter that echoed through my ears as I rolled over onto the vacant side of the bed, my lungs threatening to disintegrate from the lack of oxygen. I couldn't breathe. I wasn't even laughing anymore, just making that weird noise when all the sound has left your chuckle behind, leaving that strange ticking noise along with the sharp intake of breath.

Somewhere next to me, Lupo had broken down as well, but it was only after I had. Which meant one thing; I had lost. We would be using my paycheck on whatever Lupo wanted, and I would be forced to clean the kitchen, as well as the… the bathrooms.

"What's it feel like to lose?" Lupo whispered in my ear after catching her breath.

"You've done it so many times, you tell me," I demanded, my own laughter fading into a distant memory as I wiped the tears out of my eyes. Of all puns, it had to be a condiments one to throw me over the edge.

"Just for that you now also have to buy canned soup."

"No. Do not make me buy that condensed, chemical-filled crap."

"Too late, Loser, its your paycheck and my money. Were buying Cambell's chicken noodle."

"I hate you."

"Love you too, now hand it over."

Groaning weakly, I sifted through my back pocket where my five thousand dollar paycheck eagerly awaited to be handed over to the devious girlfriend I had somehow gotten stuck with.

"Just remember I pay the bills."

"Not anymore, Buttercup. I beat you at your own game, I won."

"Yeah well, this isn't _the end._"

**See what I did there? Because it is _the end _of the story. So it was a pun you see- about the end- cause well, okay I'm going to stop now.**

**I am very hashtag NOT sorry to anyone who found this lame because lesbihonest (See what I did THERE?) it's not lame. It's pure comedy gold!**

**Stay Majestic**

**VR**


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